The Platypus Learns Astrophysics - Excerpt

“You are a lonely and unhappy soul, Jonas,” the angel said sincerely. “And yet there is no evil in you. You are just… annoying.”

“Thanks.”

“And therefore our Lord took mercy on you and sent me to enlighten your days.”


“He sent you to enlighten my days and didn’t provide you with a cock? Well, good luck with that,” Jonas snorted again.

Micah didn’t look offended. “I know you take almost all pleasure in your life from sex. But that’s not the way.”

“So what are you gonna do?”

The angel took a step closer. “I only will touch you,” he said dramatically.

Jonas didn’t like where this was going and held up his hand. “Now, wait a second. I’m not convinced I want you to touch me.”

Micah furrowed his eyebrows. “ Why not?”

“See, I have never given a flying fuck about your boss and, honestly, I’m not planning to start now. Despite the fact… well, obviously He’s the real thing too. Why would He actually care about me? I mean, there are heaps of people who really need Him. People who actually pray to Him. I’m not one of them. Can’t you just go and enlighten someone else’s days?”

“Who are you to decide who needs His intervention?” Micah asked, irritated.

“Okay, I don’t care about the others. I never have. But don’t you think I have some say in what I need?”

Micah just sighed. “It would be much easier for both of us if you stopped making such a fuss. Here’s the deal: I will touch you and then go away. A few seconds. Let me do my job and you will never see me again, although probably you will want to, just to thank me. You know, I have things to do, and standing here arguing with you is a waste of time.”

“Oh yeah, you’re on a tight schedule, I know.”

“Lord, he is annoying.”

“Maybe I like to be annoying. Maybe I like my life just as it is, and I don’t need it to be… enlightened and joyful,” Jonas argued.

Micah rolled his eyes. “Right. That’s exactly why you can’t sleep and why you snap at anybody who comes your way. Save me from this act. I’m an angel, you can’t really fool me.”

Jonas opened his mouth, but another thundering “Silence!” effectively shut him up. “Good,” Micah said approvingly. “Now where were we? Oh, the touch. Ready?”

Jonas growled. “Oh, fuck it. Yeah. Whatever.”

“Good boy.” Micah took a step closer and gently put his hand on Jonas’s forehead. Jonas closed his eyes and waited. For a couple of seconds, nothing moved.

Jonas didn’t feel any change. Surreptitiously, he opened one eye and squinted at Micah, who stood there with a beatific smile and his eyes closed. His smile slowly transformed into a frown; he muttered something under his breath and changed the position of his hand.

“Well?” Jonas finally asked.

“Hush. It’s not… you know, just so…” the angel babbled nervously.

“Nothing’s happening,” Jonas observed.

“Shut up. I know. Something is not right.”